My Journey Home

The Two Sides of Me

I haven’t posted much these days, mostly because I’m struggling to find the light.  I’ve convinced myself that people come to follow iamjoyouslight because they’re searching for positivity and sometimes (I hope) find it here.  It’s interesting to me that I sometimes come to the site for the same reason.  I reread posts I’ve written and think “wow – that spirit knows something!”  But, isn’t that spirit me?  Or, was that all an illusion?  Am I joyouslight?  It says I am right in the title of my blog for God’s sake, so I feel like a complete failure that I cannot find her right now.  Where did she go?  Or better yet, why did I allow her to be eclipsed by my very fearful human self and how do I get her back?

That has been my long standing struggle: how to accept the fact that my human self is often in pain, physically and emotionally, and break free from those struggles long enough to realize and embrace the spirit within.  Can they coexist?  

I’ve convinced myself that other spiritual seekers are doing a much better job at existing right now than I am.  They post only happy, hopeful messages on social media and never seem to let the darkness in.  Whereas I cannot not let the darkness in.  Perhaps it’s because I’m an empath and I simply pick up much of the world’s angst.  Or maybe it’s because I’m a trauma survivor and, despite all the work I’ve done over the years, there’s still more that needs healing.  Whatever it is, it makes me feel defective.

But, deep, deep down I know that is not true.  I am not defective.  I am a human who cares deeply for others.  I hurt when others are hurting.  I grieve when others are grieving.  And the depth of despair in our country right now feels like more than I can bear.  

Lucky for me, I also have joyouslight.  Yes, her energy is different now, but she is here, rising to give comfort to complete strangers online and to help nudge them toward comfort in this cold, cruel world.  I guess we work in tandem more than I realized.  Perhaps that realization is the sliver of light I need to lead me towards a brighter, more joyous tomorrow.  Time will tell.  

For now, please take a moment and send some love and light out into the world.  Visualize it moving slowly through your city and state, across the borders and beyond.  See it reaching the far corners of the earth and benefiting all living beings.  Now, feel it coming back to you in an all-encompassing hug that permeates your cells and heals body, mind and soul. Come back tomorrow and do it again.  We need to feel the collective force of love, now more than ever.

Sweet dreams, dear ones. You are loved and iamjoyouslight.

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This entry was posted on April 14, 2021 by in hope, Self-help, Spirituality and tagged , , .
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